Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when you just knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that you were in the wrong? No matter how you tried to tidy the story up or rationalize and explain things away, you knew you were wrong.
And you could feel it. Deep in the pit of your stomach.
Maybe there were other people wrapped up in this story and it didn’t just involve you. Were others hurt? Knowing you’re in the wrong is one thing, but when this wrong hurts another person it adds to the feelings of ugliness and unworthiness.
I recall a number of years ago an incident I had with my father. He came into the kitchen where I was sitting with my mother and said something to me about doing the dishes (now I should point out that at this time I was already quite angry). When he said this to me I snapped some angry comment back at him and then one thing led to another and I just exploded. I was yelling. My mother was crying. Doors were being slammed. People were in each others faces. Drywall was being punched. Not good. Not beautiful. Ugly.
As I went for a walk I began to realize the weight of my words and actions. The ugliness that was there. I didn’t say anything to my dad for the rest of the day.
I remember lying on my bed and experiencing an overwhelming feeling of being in the wrong and needing to turn from those ways and seek my dads forgiveness.
The next day I walked into the family room where my dad was sitting and all I could manage to say was “I’m sorry.” Without saying anything he stood up and embraced me. Tightly. There was no need for him to even say anything because the silent embrace said it all.
I love the following lyrics from a U2 tune:
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
She travels outside of karma
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things
Grace finds beauty